31 replies to this topic

[silverchris9]

I need more beta friends. I need more close friends period, but if I'm going to make more close friends, I'd prefer that they be betas, all the better if they're beta STs. So, how should I go about this? Is there a proper procedure for identifying and striking up good beta friendships?

[Gilly]

They should be the people you are most naturally drawn to, and that are most drawn to you. Except SEIs, they seem to like anyone who seems interesting; they wind up in Beta cliques a lot.

idk. Just go to coffee shops or something. Lots of Alpha/Betas there usually, find one you like in a city and just watch people, approach anyone who seems interesting or like they are up to something, lol.

ps you're 3w4 so it shouldn't be TOO hard. We tend to come off as approachable but also not "boring," which will attract a lot of Beta ST attention. Wear clothes that are interesting, maybe even flambouyant if you can pull it off.

Really there is no recipe though. You just kind of have to...immerse yourself in the intent, instead of trying to force it, otherwise you will come off as fake and probably repel more Betans than you attract.

[silverchris9]

Gilly, on 20 October 2010 - 04:32 PM, said:

They should be the people you are most naturally drawn to, and that are most drawn to you. Except SEIs, they seem to like anyone who seems interesting; they wind up in Beta cliques a lot.

idk. Just go to coffee shops or something. Lots of Alpha/Betas there usually, find one you like in a city and just watch people, approach anyone who seems interesting or like they are up to something, lol.

ps you're 3w4

Alright. I can try coffee shops. I need somewhere to go read anyway. But I feel like its awkward to approach people in a coffee shop...? Maybe I just need "putting-myself-out-there" lessons, in all areas of life (except auditioning. I have suprisingly little fear of both auditioning and the attendant rejection. Maybe it's because I've hard enough success in that area that I feel comfortable in it, which would imply that I need to get myself some coffee-shop friendship successes. Maybe I'll find some betas at the literary club thingy.)

Did I say something particularly 3w4? I'm not opposed to the idea any more, and Nick/strrrrng's explanations did sound an awful lot like me. I didn't identify with those dichotomies that I was supposed to identify with though. But I don't know that I identified with the 4 ones any better. Shrug.

[Gilly]

Nah, it just comes across in your more composed persona, as opposed to 4s, who are also typically refined but also much more nonchalant than 3s.

And, well, a 4 would never ask about "procedures" for making friends Heart triad competency ftw.

[borderline]

like 90% of relationships start with drugs. bond with drugs?

[Golden]

Silverchris, I met most of my Beta friends in atmospheres related my interests. Two of my close Beta friends I met in French classes. And then there's poetry (no, I don't really write it, but some of my friends do, and I support them by going to readings etc.) and music. I've made some great Beta friends--and friends of other types, too, but within a Beta atmosphere--in the last three years because of a songwriting workshop I go to monthly. In part this is going to depend on where you live, maybe. It's so easy to find Betas in San Francisco, I think. Not necessarily b/c there's a preponderance of Betas, but because Betas there seem to organize themselves according to their political interests, and because it's just fine to BE Beta there.

But when I lived in the Deep South, growing up, being Beta was sort of suspect. Even people who were obvs Beta tended to behave like they weren't.

The thing is, "how to make friends" in general must vary just as people do. When I meet someone I think is really cool, I actively try to become their friend. I don't just sort of hope it will happen. I make some jokes, I let them know somehow I think they're cool, and I invite them to do something specific. A few times I've gotten cold-shouldered, but I really don't care. It's worth it to me, because I just don't want to lose the opportunity to befriend someone I really like.

Also, one or two Beta friends will usually have some other Beta friends, so it's helpful to try to get invited out on a group excursion with them. "Let's go get coffee with your friend so-and-so sometime--he/she sounds really interesting." That sort of thing.

[Gilly]

It is kind of awkward to just go up to someone and start talking at a coffee shop, but a lot of people are there to socialize, and the ones who are tend to give off subtle cues/vibes or sort of put something "out there..." I dunno. Bumming a cigarette can do wonders, let me tell you. And doing drugs, like Allie said

[Nick]

Golden, being gay ≠ being beta lol.

I think it really comes down to knowing what you're looking for. Coffee shops are basically a portal, but the connections can be found anywhere; one of my better friends who managed to become a "career associate" I met while randomly sitting in a park, smoking, as was he (EIE); and my first interaction with an SLE friend was centered around a banana. So, it really just ties back to the energy you're putting out, and when and where it collides with that of the right people.

[jessica129]

Coffee shops? Really? I'd get pretty pissed if someone approached me in a coffee shop. I go there to relax and be alone. But hey, I don't really like people anyway.

[Ashton]

Jessica is cute when she talks about hating people

[bullet]

yea, it makes you feel like you want to date her

[Ashton]

Nick, on 21 October 2010 - 06:49 AM, said:

Golden, being gay ≠ being beta lol.

Haha. Gay Betas do make the best flamers though.

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I think it really comes down to knowing what you're looking for. Coffee shops are basically a portal, but the connections can be found anywhere; one of my better friends who managed to become a "career associate" I met while randomly sitting in a park, smoking, as was he (EIE); and my first interaction with an SLE friend was centered around a banana. So, it really just ties back to the energy you're putting out, and when and where it collides with that of the right people.

Yeah, I typically meet people through really weird/stupid circumstances.

[BulletsAndDoves]

Well, if somebody invites you to hang out then just agree to go with them. But I sense your issue with people is a matter of over-idealization like most IEIs.

I find like-minded people in bookstores cuz I'm a smart dude that likes to read and write, and people there seem interesting and relateable, 'on my same vibelength' so to speak. Just pick a real life social group of something that you're into and that you like to do naturally. You really need to find your own niche, you don't strike me as that 'cool guy' that can kick it anywhere, but that's fine....most everybody is like that I think. You just sense naturally when you're gonna fit in somewhere and when you're not.

The hardest lesson you'll learn, is you're just going to have to accept people the way that they are if you want them to accept you. That sadly, they aren't going to fit into your friendship fairytale book script about what a friend 'should be like.' There won't be any pretty ribbons here. They will cry and whine and nag and be 'emo' and stupid and pathetic (or offensive and overbearing) a lot more than they will be interesting, cool and genuinely heartfelt. But that's just humans for you. I'm not projecting, I only say this cause I sense you have similar issues as I do, both being IEIs and all. =)

And just be in the moment with them, a relaxed sense of self-confidence. Just don't sit there and analyze them and then talk about them later on message boards, it's creepy to most ppl. Scrutinizes only attract other scrutinizes.

Frankly it's too much work. I'm with Jessica. Fuck humans!

((and btw you know we're your fucked up family and only we understand you anyway and not 'normal irl people' but you can try to make it work. Maybe you can teach us a thing or two, and write a book about it?))

[redbaron]

lol B&D!

I definitely don't go to coffee shops to socialize. However, if someone remotely interesting approached me while I was there, I'd be open for sure. I probably wouldn't have been open when I was like 20 years old though. But now... absolutely. Bookstores, yeah. Also, musical events--concerts, etc. Parties too. Just be yourself, SC. People will pick up on who you are and it won't feel like work, it'll just happen organically, which is the best way.

[Nick]

I agree. Coffee shops actually feel quieter to me than other venues, so there's usually more intrigue to someone I meet there.

[borderline]

Gilly, on 21 October 2010 - 03:13 AM, said:

Bumming a cigarette can do wonders, let me tell you.

+10 its the best excuse to approach pretty much anyone haha. oh and take benzos. you always make friends on benzos.

i can't really imagine meeting anyone at a coffee shop. but then, i don't go to starbucks and write poetry like you faggots

[Gilly]

I refuse to go to starbucks. It feels too contrived.

I'm actually in a coffee shop in Boston right now...it's nothing special though. Atmosphere is everything in coffee shops. Black walls, comfortable but not cushy seating, plenty of art on the walls, and appropriate music - this makes a coffee shop. I will probably own one some day.

[bullet]

who the fuck is Allie??

[typhon]

You need to be involved with an activity, like school or work, then you will meet people. Friends dont fall out of the sky. I understand your desire to make friends with other betas as its the same for me, as I feel i have no common goals with delta and only some common ground with gamma and alpha but dont be biased in who you choose as your friends or reject a potetntially good friend just because they are not beta st.

[Jenna]

i have problems with making friends too. and then if i do start talking to someone what am i supposed to talk about?

an activity would probably help lol
but i'd really like some beta ST friends..

[silverchris9]

Sam/B&Ds post was the best.

I find myself attracting people I type as Si/Ne. I think I need to change my behavior. Or maybe I'm just an IEE in IEIs clothing. (I'm pretty sure I'm IEI).

Spent some time with SLE friend a couple days ago. As usual, it made my life better. Stupid SLEs and making you face reality and making you better people and shit. I don't like it.

Haven't tried the coffee shop yet, but there's a popular one nearby I should try one afternoon, maybe this wednesday. I don't smoke, although I (tried to) smoke(d) my first joint last weekend while extremely drunk and pursuing this very, very, very attractive Beta NF girl (or maybe off chance LSI, but EIE is more likely). But then SLE reminded me that I believe in Jesus (which doesn't necessarily in and of itself preclude either drinking or smoking), and now my shit is all fucked up. Sigh. But let's please not talk about religion. I'm slowly changing my typing of an LII friend to "potentially beta" and there's a cool beta kid in my friend's suite, but we just never have the opportunity or reason to hang out. That's the trouble. I don't have a reason to hang out with people. I need some sort of friend bait. Like an Xbox.

[Nick]

So how was the joint?


Also, attracting Si-valuers probably points to some sort of reversed projection of what you want to avoid (I don't halfway consider the possibility of you being delta).

This makes me think that most people desire their duals a lot less than they might believe. A dual will most likely brush over you if what you need is clouded by what you think you want.

[silverchris9]

Nick, on 24 October 2010 - 11:49 PM, said:

So how was the joint?

Well, I couldn't really feel the affects, 'cause I was already *really* drunk, so I couldn't tell. And I already get kinda numb-ish when drunk anyway (like physical sensations happen at two steps remove from their actual occurrence), so... yeah. Also, I failed at inhaling. The first time I didn't get any, I just breathed it all out, and the second time, I think I did it right-ish?

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Also, attracting Si-valuers probably points to some sort of reversed projection of what you want to avoid (I don't halfway consider the possibility of you being delta).

Yeah, neither do I, but how funny would that be! And you're right. It also has to do with how I feel comfortable interacting. I'm pretty sure I grew up in an Se-devaluing community (my group of theater friends were mostly alphas and deltas in high school, and it was run by an SLI), so my default for getting along with people is very alpha/delta. I'll gradually get over it, but I have to learn how to act like a beta without acting like an asshole, lol. I have to learn how to be myself (and yes, that does sound rather 3ish, right? So many self-masks that you forget exactly who the pre-mask self is?)

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This makes me think that most people desire their duals a lot less than they might believe. A dual will most likely brush over you if what you need is clouded by what you think you want.

Yep.

It's bizarre, but the first time I could tell I was getting close to a dual, I remember having a very specific awareness/premonition that it was a worthwhile friendship, and that I should bother pursuing it. This was before i knew about socionics or whatever. Definitely straight out of the book of unlikely friendships: jock kid and nerdy theater kid. We sort of converged on interested-in-philosophy kids, lol. But yeah. The more I *think* about socionics when interacting, the worse my interaction is, so I am practicing just letting things happen. Like, there's a probable SLE (and a pair of really attractive Gamma SFs, but they'd never go for me 'cause they're older or whatever and I'm sort of the "kid" of the group--an easy role to fall into, faux-infantile) in my a capella group. We get along fine, but don't specifically interact a whole lot. Thinking about socionics doesn't help in the slightest though, just makes me think about what I'm doing rather than doing it, which always makes things worse, lol. Actually, there are a few SLEs that I haven't succeeded in befriending yet. But I suppose you just have to let these things happen rather than pursuing them. Shrug.

[Gilly]

Ew, if a friend had to remind you that "you're Christian," all that says is that you're not what he thinks you are, lol.

[silverchris9]

Gilly, on 25 October 2010 - 07:15 AM, said:

Ew, if a friend had to remind you that "you're Christian," all that says is that you're not what he thinks you are, lol.

"A true poet, and of the devil's party without knowing it"? But seriously let's not talk about religion.

[Gilly]

Maybe we should.

[Nick]

[Gilly]

lol @ the one up in the corner.

"Oh bless me, we've lost one..."

*fart*

[Nick]

his wings are nice

[Gilly]

Indeed. Much more attractive than those feathery contraptions...

[discojoe]

Jenna, on 24 October 2010 - 09:46 PM, said:

i have problems with making friends too. and then if i do start talking to someone what am i supposed to talk about?

an activity would probably help lol
but i'd really like some beta ST friends..

I will be your friend. Just give me your address,

[BreeTheISTJ]

i need more close friends too. but im not good at being a friend so it sucks